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a8娱乐好玩吗：从南朝到隋，卓伟无惧张莫不如此，就算入唐，也不会改变什么。

把酒酿出极致，靓颖手撕奉这点很难。

不过张超不需要做一个酿酒大师，劝听妈妈他只要知道葡萄酒的酿造方式，劝听妈妈再有材料就能酿造出葡萄酒了，哪怕他的葡萄酒不是最佳的，可也一样能火。

毕竟胡人从遥远的高昌贩酒来长安，路途数千里之遥，而张超在长安酿酒，这成本无疑低了许多许多。

卓伟无惧张“我听说长安也有一些富贵人家园子里有栽种从西域高昌传来的马乳葡萄？

”靓颖手撕奉“马乳葡萄和葡萄酒有什么关系吗？

”马周问。

“实不相瞒，劝听妈妈我手里恰好有一个高昌葡萄酒的酿造秘法，劝听妈妈是当年一个西域番僧与我师父交谈时告之的，高昌葡萄酒，正是以马乳葡萄酿造而成。

若是我能得到这马乳葡萄苗，那么等我把那十里荒沟买下来后，我就在那里种上大片的马乳葡萄和猕猴桃，到时就能酿造猴儿酒和葡萄酒了。

”

少东家花一千贯买那十里荒沟，卓伟无惧张原来是打算用来种葡萄和猕猴桃，将来打算酿酒啊。

靓颖手撕奉“可是朝廷禁止私酿。

”

张超笑笑，劝听妈妈“朝廷禁止私酿，劝听妈妈是因为酿酒会浪费粮食。

但会浪费粮食的酒，只是粟米酒、麦酒、糯米酒甚至是高粱酒，而我要酿造葡萄酒和猴儿酒，并不需要粮食。

”

猕猴桃和葡萄酿酒，卓伟无惧张都属于果酒了，卓伟无惧张并不需要粮食。

张超相信，自己有几位国公在幕后支持，等过几年，应当能够拿到一张酿酒许可。

毕竟过几年，天下也都统一了，朝廷估计也不会再一直禁止私酿。

天已经越来越冷了，靓颖手撕奉现在才十月啊，怎么跟腊月似的？

看着身后的队伍，劝听妈妈张超有种很是想对着两边的山林吼上一声，小爷押着数千贯钱财呢，有哪个响马敢来劫小爷？

不过想想还是算了，卓伟无惧张万一真有那种亡命徒在附近，卓伟无惧张听了之后，忍不住过来打劫，那不是自找麻烦嘛。

虽说张超相信，凭着自己队里的二十名老府兵，他并不担心贼人，但多一事还是少一事，低调。

柯山和柯五两个今天做为护卫头，靓颖手撕奉倒是相当的认真，一路如临大敌，不苛颜笑。

好在一路顺利，劝听妈妈除了雪后路难走，其它的事情没有发生。

DearPolly，

Iwanttobeknown，andtoknowotherpeople。

Icraveintimacy，andnotjustphysicalintimacy。

Irealizeeveryonewantsthesethings。

ButIamafraidIwillnever“beknown。

”ItseemsthatnomatterwhatIsayordo，noonewilleverknowtheREALme，notinfull。

WhenItalktopeopleIoftenfeellikeI’mtalkingtothemthroughathinglasswall。

Iwantpeopletobenefitfromknowingme，andformetobeabletoreachoutandhelpotherpeople，andempathizewiththem，andbuildproperrelationships。

PartofthereasonIcan’tseemtoisbecauseIalwaysfeelsoconflictedandcomplexandhidden？

—？

apacketoflies。

IamfrequentlyacowardandseemtoreverttospeakinginclicheswheneverItalktopeople。

It’sasifIcan’teversayanythingoriginaloreventrue，andinsteadjustmirrorotherpeople’senergiesandopinionsbacktothemconstantly。

Lately，maybeasaresultofgrowingupalittle(Iamnineteen)，Ihavebeguntomovefromcomfortablycruisingalong，contenttospinaweboffakery，tocravinghonesty。

IamlearningalmosteverythingIusuallysayisjustareaction，anddependsonwhoItalktoandthecircumstance。

Ihavestartedconsciouslytryingtothinkandbehonest，andinfactI’veswungtheotherwaynow；it’salmostasiflatelyIgetakickoutofbeingbluntandslightlyjarringinmyvulnerability。

IopenmymouthandwhatcomesoutisneverwhatImean。

I’mnotjusttalkingaboutaslightlackofeloquence，orslightlyjumbledthoughts？

—？

ratherIseemtohaveNObraintomouthcoherence。

IamhonestlysurprisedeverytimeIhearmyself。

It’seitherablundering，babblingshadowofwhatImeantosayor，morefrequently，it’ssomethingcompletelydifferent。

Ifindwhatcomesoutofmymouthalmostnovel。

Noamountofconcentratingseemstohelp。

Tomakeitworse，itisalwaysalie。

Noteveralieasinafull-on，made-uplie，butratherabunchofthingsI’msureIdon’treallythink，orifIdid，Iwouldnothavewordedthatway。

Ioftensounddumbandfakeandshallow，orworsetome，insincere。

Idon’tthinkit’sjustfear，either。

ItevenhappenswhenIamaroundpeopleI’mcomfortablewith，abouttrivialthings。

It’sasifIcan’tgeteverstraightwhatIthink，whileatthesametimeit’ssomehowcrystalclear；andthenmymouthignoresbothofthatanywayandmakesitsownstuffup。

WheneverIsitdowntowrite，thetruthseemsalotmoreapparentandcomesreadily？

—？

butthisisreallife，andIwanttobeabletocommunicatehonestlyandinthemomentmorethanjust，say？

online。

IfIcan’tcommunicatewithanyconsistencyorhonesty，thenhowcanIhaveanyreal，validrelationshipswithanyone？

AndtheworstpartisIamnotreallyexceedinglyawkwardorshy。

Peoplethinktheyknowme。

HowdoIdealwiththeguiltthattheydon’tknowmeandthatI’mconstantlypresentingthemwithaninstinctivehalf-version？

Tryingtobemorerealseemsimpossibleandcomplicatedfortheabovereasons，andthenIstartover-analyzingtowhatextentIammeanttobeopenwiththemanyway，wheredoIstop，andhowtosayit，anddotheyREALLYunderstandwhatI’msaying，andwhydon’tIunderstandTHEM。

ThenIjustgiveupandstartthinkingthatIamjustamorecomplexpersonwithtoomanydifferentshadesofthoughtandopinionandhistory，andmaybeitwouldbebettertoignoreeveryoneandembracethatandblahblah？

blah。

Iknowhowridiculouslyself-centeredIambeing。

Therearemoreimportantthingstobefocusingonthanwhetherpeopleknowme。

ButIwantthemtoknowmefullysobadly，andIcan’thelpthinkingitwouldmakemeabetterperson。

IguessI’masking：How？

WhatcanIdo？

Whycan’tIseemtobe？

real？

Thankssoso？

much。

MissPerceived

DearMissPerceived，

Yourletterfeelsalittlesaduptothepointwhereyoumention，inpassing，thatyou’renineteenyearsold。

Atthatpoint，I’mprettysuremostofthepeoplereadingyourletterrolledtheireyesandclickedovertoavideoofapuppyfallingasleep。

Butthethreenineteen-year-oldswhoreadthatthought，“Ohmygod。

Whydon’tIrememberwritingandsendingthisletter？

”

Atfirstglance，inotherwords，yourcurrentdifficultiesareveryage-specific。

That’snotawayofdiscountingyourfeelings。

It’ssimplyawayofsayingthatyouarenotalone。

Whatyoudescribeexquisitelywellinyourletteristhesensationofrecognizing，forthefirsttime，thattheselfyoupresenttotheworldisanamalgamationofemotionsandcircumstances？

—？

amixofcalculated，self-consciousreactionsthatdoesn’tseemtobearanyrelationtowhatyoucarryaroundinsideofyou。

Irememberthatfeelingsowell。

WhenIwasveryyoung，IwantedtoshowmyREALSELFtosomeone，anyone，butinsteadIwasalwaysskimmingthesurface，sayingstuffthatfeltinsincereoruntrue。

WhenIdidbreakthroughwithaboldstatement，eventhatfeltlikealie。

ItwaslikeIhadtobuildupabigheadofsteamtotellthetruth，andthatheadofsteamitselfundercutwhatIwastryingtosaysomuchthatitallcameoutjumbledanddisingenuous。

Here’ssomethingthatpeopledon’tadmitveryoften，ordon’trememberveryoften：Talkingandlisteningisreallyfuckinghardwhenyou’reveryyoung。

Whenyou’resmartandcomplicatedandyou’rejustgettingtoknowyourself，puttingallofthatintowordswithoutfeelinglikeaself-involvedassholeisprettymuchimpossible。

AndifyouREALLYwanttobeknown，ifyouREALLYwanttobeaccurate，andgenuineandreal？

Well，ittakesalongtimetogetthere。

Ittakesalotofrecalibrating。

Howmuchdoyouwanttosay，andtowhom？

Whoareyourrealfriends？

Whowillunderstand？

EvenifyouONLYfactorintheself-consciousnessoftalkingtopeopleyou’renotsurewillgetit，thataloneisenoughtomakeyoufeelsicktoyourstomachhalfthetime。

AndIsaythisasafellowintrovertedextrovert。

Ineedtowriteabookaboutbeingafuckingextrovert。

Becauseit’sanillusion，thenotionthatpeoplewholiketoshowoffandspeakupfeelanymorecomfortableorgenuineorateasewiththemselvesthantheintroverts。

Sometimesknowingexactlyhowto“seem”andhowtobehaveismoreofanalbatrossthananythingelse。

You’resogoodatbeingwhatpeoplewantyoutobethatit’saseriousstruggletobewhatYOUwantto？

be。

Andthat’salonelyformula。

IwasprettygoodatbeinglikedbyotherpeoplewhenIwasyounger，butIwantedsomeonetoappreciatetheREALME，theworried，sad，scared，fragile，messyme。

Icouldn’timaginehowtomakethispersonknowntootherpeople，particularlythesortsofpeoplewhoalreadystronglypreferredtheplucky，carefreefreakIpretendedtobe。

It’stoughtodragoutyourmessyinnerselfwhenyougetalotoflove？

—？

andpraise，and，youknow，boyfriends？

—？

withyourskin-deepcharmandyourempty？

swagger。

AndweALLfallbackintoouroldtricksovertheyears。

Soyourletterisvaluable，notjusttoothernineteen-year-oldswhoarestrugglingtocalibratehowmuchtheyrevealandkeeptothemselves(seealso：allofthem)，butalsotopeople，oldandyoung，whounexpectedlyaskthemselves，“HowmuchofwhatIsayisgenuineandheartfelt？

Howmuchispurehabit？

Howmuchispurebullshit？

”Becauseit’seasyenough，onabaddayofimperfectinteractions，tolookbackandthink，“EverythingIsayiseitherthehabitual，knee-jerkflavorofbullshitI’vebeenspewingforoveradecade，churningoutthesameoldwaterytalkingpointsrepeatedly，orit’sself-involveddrivelthatnoonecouldpossiblycareabout。

I’meitherengineeringresponsesthatmaintainpeople’scomfortlevels，orI’mreturningtocrustyold‘opinions’thatI’mnotevensureIstill？

hold。

”

Now，clearly，therearethosewhowillreadthisandthink，“Whatkindofamixedupmotherfuckerareyou，anyway？

”Buthere’sthegoodnews：You’rethekindofmixedupmotherfuckerwhowillhaveextremelyhonest，intense，probingconversationswithotherpeopleinyourlife。

You’rethekindofmixedupmotherfuckerwhowillmeetlike-mindedsoulsandREALLYgettoknowthemwell。

You’rethekindofmixedupmotherfuckerwhowillevaluateandreevaluatewhereyoustandinrelationtoothers，whowillworkhardtogrow，whowilltryveryhardnottohidebehindthestandardrationalizationsofpersonalityandsocialconvention。

WhenIwasafewyearsolderthanyou，IfellintoastrangeplacewhereIfeltlikeeverythingIsaidwasoverbearingandabrasiveandmaybeevenuntrue。

InoticedthatIhadabadhabitofmakingboldstatementsthatIdidn’tnecessarilybelieve，simplyforthesakeofnotprattlingalongandsatisfyingotherpeople’sexpectationsofme。

MaybeIwastryingtogetattention。

MaybeIwaslonelyandinpainandIwastryingtofindsomeonewhowouldsupportme，anditwascomingoutallwrong。

Butaroundthatsametime，Inoticedthatmythen-boyfriendmostlysaidthingsthathedecidedadecadepriorandhadbeenrepeatingeversince(“Everyboyshouldownadog”)。

Occasionally，he’dalsomakestatementsaboutsuperficialaspectsofthefuture。

(“Iamgoingtofillmyhousewithmahoganyfurniture，”“ThebarIownwillhaveredleatherbooths。

”)BecauseIwas(andstillam)kindofanasshole，Isoonfellintothehabitofchallengingeverythingthatcameoutofhismouth(“Youdon’tevenlikeworkingatabar，whatmakesyouthinkyou’regoingtolikeowningandthereforelivinginone？

Youthinkjustbecauseyoupickedouttheredleatherbooths，that’sgoingtomakeitallfeellikeadreamcome？

true？

”)

EventuallymycommentsformedadirectassaultonwhatIsawasthesuperficial，unexaminednatureofhispersonality。

Iwastortured(bymyownnatureasamixed-upmotherfucker)andunhappy(becauseItrulydidn’tknowmyselfyetandthereforedidn’tknowwhat“me”Ireallywantedtopresentandsharewiththeworld)soIcouldn’tstandtoseehimskipalong，happyasaclam，burblingonaboutbarsandmahoganyandredleatherbooths。

Hewantedtopickoutaniceredwineandtalkaboutitssubtlehintsofcherryandspice，andIwantedtotakehisfeebleego，freezeit，andthensliceitintoveryverythinsliversandexamineitunderamicroscope。

Thisdidn’tgowellforeitherofus。

IstillrememberthedaythatIfoundhisjournal？

—？

anhonestattempttocomplywithmydemandsthatheexaminehislongstandingassumptionsinsteadofpersistingonsuchashallowpathstuddedbyemptydistractions？

—？

andIreadonemundaneentryafteranother。

Therewasnoself-examination。

Therewerenopersonalinsights。

Thereweren’tevencolorfulanecdotes。

Thereweren’tanysubtlehintsofwitandspice。

Itwasjust“Spentthemorningfoldingclothes。

Sortofdreadingworktonight。

Wentonalongwalktoclearmyhead。

”Wouldsomeonethisconcreteeverwanttohearaboutmytangledthoughtsandcomplicatedemotions？

Apparentlynot；hedumpedmeafewweekslater。

“We’retoodifferent，”hetoldme。

“Thinkingtoomuchthewayyoudomakesmecrazy。

Ifthat’sshallow，thenIguessIwanttokeepbeingshallow。

”EventhoughIhadbeenacondescendingassholetohimalotofthetime，Icriedmyeyesout。

“I’llneverdateaguywho’sthishotagain！

”Ithought。

(Hewasn’ttheonlyshallow？

one。

)

Thepointhereisthatit’sreallytoughtobeauthenticandgenuinewhenyou’rearoundpeoplewhoaren’twellsuitedtoappreciateyourparticularflavorsofauthenticity。

Myauthenticselfiswordyandvagueandemotionalandsecond-guessingandconcept-focusedanddigressiveandprettygoddamnexasperatingtoyouraveragebear。

Youaveragebearjustwantssomeonetosmileandsipthewineandgiggleandeatuptheshitabouttheredleatherbooths。

Youraveragebeardoesnothavemuchinterestinmixed-upmotherfuckerslikemeandyou，MissPerceived。

AndletmetellyousomethingelseI’velearnedsincethen：Myauthenticselfcomesoutonthepageinawaythatitdoesn’tinperson。

Thatdoesn’tmeanI’mabigliarinmyinteractionswithotherpeople。

ButbecauseI’mnotatotalsociopath，Idocatertootherpeople’sneeds。

Ilisten。

Iadjust。

Iplayalotofdifferentrolesandnoteveryroleiscompatiblewithmixed-upmotherfuckerdom。

That’scalledbeingafuckingadult。

Noteveryoneneedstoknowabouteverything。

I’mnotlonely，soIdon’tfeelcompelledtotelleveryoneeverything。

Idon’tevenfeelcompelledtotellmanypeopleallthat？

much。

Therealknothere，foryou，isthatyouwanttofeelgenuineandrealbutyoudon’tknowwhocanstomachit。

Youwanttobeknown，andknowotherpeople，andyoujustdon’tknowhowtogoaboutthatyet。

Youmaynotknowanyone，yet，whocanhandleknowingallthethingsyouwantthemtoknow。

YoumaynotknowanyonewhoWANTSTOBE？

KNOWN。

Alotofpeopledon’twanttobeknown。

AlotofpeoplewouldveryspecificallypreferNOTtobeknown。

Alotofpeoplewouldliketosticktothefacts，toconcreteplans，topreferences，tosomethingtheyreadinabookorinthepaper。

Originalityisnotthegoalformany，manypeople。

Unique，independentperspectivesdon’tnecessarilyinterestthem。

Liquidintelligenceisnothingtothem。

Theywanttohearfactsandfigures。

Theydon’twantimaginativerambling。

Theywantyoutoshutthefuckup，mostly。

Theywon’tsayso。

You’lljustfeelallqueasyandweirdwhenyoutalktothem，andyou’llquitenaturallystartlyingwheneverthey’re？

around。

Thatisnotabnormal。

That’shealthy。

That’syoutryingtofigureouthowmuchtoshare，andwith？

whom。

Youareaveryexpressivewriterandthinker，particularlyforanineteen-year-old。

Iwantyoutowriteatleasttwopages，everyday。

Noneofitshouldbepolished。

Letyourselframble。

Explorenewideas。

Expressmixedemotions。

Myguessisthatyou’renotgoingtofeelknownbyothers，andyou’renotgoingtofeelsatisfiedwiththewaythatyouSEEMtootherpeople，untilyoumastertheartofexpressingwhoyouareinwords，onthepage。

Youdon’thavetoaimhighatall。

Youjusthavetowritedownyourthoughtsandemotionsinplainlanguage，asyoudidinyourlettertome。

Youhavetodothatoften。

Youneedtogettoknowyourselfthroughyourwriting。

Youneedtogettoknowwhat’strueandwhat’salie，andyouneedtoworkonappreciatingandfeelingproudofwhoyoureallyare。

Youhavealottofeelproudof。

Practicethat。

Makeitapartofyourday，every？

day。

Thengooutintotheworldandtrytobegenuine，butstayinthebackgroundalittlemore。

Focusonlisteningtowhatotherpeoplesaymore。

Pullyourfocusawayfromhowtheyperceiveyou。

Thisisoneofthemostfreeingthingsyoucando，andIdidn’tlearntodoitforalong，longtime。

Trypresentingaslightlyflatpersontotheworld？

—？

experimentwiththat。

Justbeanotherpersonintheroom。

Trytobecomecomfortablewithshowingonlysmallhintsofwhoyouaretootherpeople。

Stoptryingtoexplainyourselfandstandforsomethingallthetime。

Stoptryingtoswimagainstthetide。

Runtheriskofboringpeoplewithyoursilence。

Womenoftenfindthatchallengingwhenthey’reyoung。

Theyfeelliketheyhavetomakeamark，theyhavetobeCLEARinwhattheybelieveandfeel，theyhavetobeSEENANDKNOWNANDRECOGNIZEDANDAPPRECIATED。

Whatifyoujustshowedupandremainedanenigma？

Thatmightfeelprettyrefreshing，actually。

Toappreciateotherpeople，breathethemin，withoutassertingyourself。

Totakeinthecamaraderieofthemomentinasimpleway，withoutremindingyourselfthatyou’rereallyalone，thatnoonewilleverunderstandyou，thateveryoneisdifferentfromyou。

MostpeopleAREverydifferentfromyou。

Onceyouknowyourselfandloveyourselfandfindafewpeoplewhoarevery，verysimilartoyou，thatwillbeOKwith？

you。

Havefaiththatsomeonewillunderstand。

You’relucky，becauseyouexpressyourselfreallywellinwriting。

Intime，you’llfindcomplicatedpeoplewhoareEXCITEDtoknowyou，andtobeknown。

Trustthatthiswillhappen。

Inthemeantime，justbewithpeople，andwrite。

Youdon’thavetochoosetobeanintrovertoranextrovert。

Youcanbeboth。

Youdon’thavetochoosebetweenthetruthandlies。

It’snotactuallythatblackandwhite。

Weallsaysomethingsthatfeelincompleteandnottotallyaccurate？

—？

everysingleday，wesaythingsoutofhabitoroutofsomecompulsive，emotionalreaction。

It’sokaytobemessyandexperimentwithwhatyouwanttosayandwhoyouare；it’soktobeinaccurateandblusteryandflat-outwrongsometimes。

IlearnalotabouthowIfeelbywriting。

ThemoreIwrite，themoregenuineandrelaxedandhappyIfeel，outintheworld。

IfIcouldn’twrite，evennow，itwouldbeharderformetobepleasantandappropriatearoundpeoplewhoareverydifferentfromme。

AndifIdidn’thavesomeclosefriendswhoreallyappreciatemynastysenseofhumorandmybadideasandmyoverlycriticalnotionsandmymeanstreakandmyoccasionalblastsofinsecurity，Iwouldstruggle。

Iwouldfeellonely。

Instead，IfeelKNOWN。

IfeelknownbecauseofthethingsIwrite，andIfeelknownbecauseIamfreetobemyselfinsomecircles。

IhavepeopletocallwhenI’mfeelingconfused，ortired，orintolerant。

It’snicetofeel？

known。

Youarethekindofpersonwhowillbeknown？

—？

andseenandappreciatedanddeeplyloved？

—？

byotherpeople。

Trustthat。

Youwillgetthere，andyoucangivethattoyourselfrightnow。

Everyday，youhavetostepbackandtakeasecondtosay，“Iamonemixedupmotherfucker。

”Sayitwithpride。

Youaresomeonewho’snaturallycommittedtotappingintotherichnessandcomplexityoflife。

Yourmindcontainscolorful，violent，ever-changinggalaxies。

Youwillhonorwhoyouare，nomatterwhat。

Youwillwalkamongthecliché-spewingcreaturesofhabit，wearingapeacefulMonaLisa？

smile。

Polly

Haveyoubeenwakingupinasteamingmessofyourownfiltheverysingleday，andyoucanbarelywalk？

WritetoPolly，andshe’llreassureyouthatyou’reonlyfivemonths？

old！

HeatherHavrilesky(akaPollyEsther)isTheAwl’sexistentialadvicecolumnist。

She’salsoaregularcontributortoTheNewYorkTimesMagazine，andistheauthorofthememoirDisasterPreparedness(Riverhead2011)。

Sheblogshereaboutscratchypants，personalitydisorders，andaged？

cheeses。

Photoby？