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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLV – The Awl

Justbecauseyoudon’tfollowfootballandwillonlybewatchingthebiggameSundayforthecommercialsandwaitingaroundfor“Glee”tobeondoesn’tmeanyoucan’tsoundsmartinfrontofyourjudgmental(probablyterrible)friendsandfamily。

Asapublicservice,we’veletnotedliver-in-his-mother’sbasementJimBehrleonceagaincollectsomesemi-brilliantthingsforyoutospoutoutbetweennachobitesthatmightjustmakeyousoundlikeyou’veseenanAmericanFootballgamebefore。

He’sbeenlockedinhisman-cavelisteningtosportstalkradioforthepastsixmonths:hehasplentyofwisdomto?

spare。

NOTE:Concussionjokeswillbeveryinthisyear,asatleast3playerswillbepeeledofftheturffromswooninghead?

shots。

PRE-GAME

“ThiscouldbethelastNFLfootballgameweseeforayearortwo。

WiththeimpendingendoftheCollectiveBargainingAgreement,IthinknextFebruarywe’llbewatchingPremiereLeagueFootballandnotanykindofSuper?

Bowl。



“IfSteelersProBowlcenterMaurkicePounceycan’tplayinthisgameitcouldspelltotaldefeatforTerribleTowelTeam。

Heisthekeytothisgame。

Nodisrespecttoback-upcenterDougLegursky,buthewasresponsibleforatleast[maybeholduptwofingersforemphasishere]bigproblemswiththeexchangeandonesafetyinthegameagainsttheJets。

TheSteelerscanill-affordtomakesuchmistakesinthebig?

game。



“DidyouseethatbeatdownPresidentObamagavetoBillO”Reillyearlier?

That’swhatthePackersaregoingtodowiththeSteelers:WipetheMatrixArtificialTurfwith?

them。



“Withtheicestormandtwoofthemost-followedteamsintheNFL,thismightbetheHighestRatedSuperBowlinHistory。

InspiteoftheBlackEyed?

Peas。



“’Yins’isPittsburghesefor‘y’all。

’Andjustlike‘y’all,’‘yins’shouldneverbeusedby?

anyone。



“ThewaytobeattheSteelersistospreadthefieldwith5widereceiversetsanduseshortpassesunderneaththeircoveragetoslowlygainyardage。

ThewaytobeatthePackersistothrowtotheoppositesideofthefieldfromcornerbackCharlesWoodson。



“DidyouseethatbeatdownChristinaAguileragavetheStar-SpangledBanner?

That’swhattheGreenBayPackersaregoingtodotothePittsburghSteelers。

Makethemwalkaroundlikebow-legged,tuneless?

tramps。



“DidyouknowthatinPittsburghtheyputFrenchFriesinalltheirsandwiches?

No,seriously!

Inside?

them。



“I’mgladthepeacefulconditionsourgameisplayedintodayarebroughttousbyhorribledealswe’vemadewithbrutaldictatorsallovertheworldwhoweneedtohaverepresstheirpeopleandpervertdemocracysowecanconsumesomuchfoodandresourcesgettingfatand?

stupid。



“Withoutcheerleadersthegame’sunderlyinghomoeroticismshouldbefrontandcenterthisyear。



FIRST?

HALF

“Ihaveaconcussionjustfromwatchingallthesecommercials[slap?

knee]!



“Foraguynicknamed‘TheFreezer,’B。

J。

RajididnothingbutcomplainaboutthecoldweatherinDallasthisweek。

Maybetheyshouldcallhim‘TheAirConditioner。

’Or‘TheBigFatComplainingMachine。

’”

“IfAaronRodgersisgoingtoemergefromBrettFavre’sshadowitwon’tbebythrowingmoretouchdownsthanFavre。

Itwillbeinbeingmoreproficientwhenthegameisonthelineandmakingsurehe’snottryingtoforcetheballsomeplaceinthedefenseitcan’tpossibly?

go。



“IfBudweiserisreallyownedbyBelgians,howcometheyhaven’tbotheredtomakeittasteanybetteryet?

IknowBelgiumwillsoonbetwocountries,butpleasefixourpiss-foamyKingofBeers,youEurotrashwhores!



“WhereverMubarak’sgoing,IwishtheywouldsendJoeBucktheretoo。

Inaheftybagfilledwithhisownpoo。

[Allrealfansofsportsknowthatsayingtheannouncersucksisthetruestsignoffandom。

ButTroyAikman,withhismultipleconcussions,stillcallsaratherlucidandadmirablegame。

JoeBuckisthesonofagreatannouncerandanotedasswad。

FeelfreetotearhimtoshredsthroughoutSuperbowlXLV。

]”

“It’strue:nothingisgayerthaneatingDoritos。

Ishouldknow。

Mom,I’mgay。

PasstheDoritos。



“BenRoethlisbergershouldn’tbeplayinginthisgame。

IftheNFLwasseriousabouteliminatingviolenceagainstwomenfromtheleaguetheywouldhavebannedhimfortheyear。

TheSteelerswouldstillprobablybeplayinginthisgamewithout?

him。



“Ican’tbelievethatpunthitthegiantscoreboardandtheyhavetore-kickit。

ThishasbeenanawfulweekforJerryJones。

Withtheweatherproblemsandnowhisinsaneego-sizedstadiumflatscreen,theSuperBowlwon’tbeheldinDallasagainuntilWillowPalin-Romney’s2ndtermasPresident。



“IfTroyPolamaluhadshorthairheneverwouldhavewontheDefensivePlayeroftheYearAward,whichshouldhavegonetothePackers’ClayMatthewsanyway。

Hishairiswaybetter!

Butthathairmakeshisrandom,hunch-fueledsprintingintotackleslooksomuchmoreimpressive。

LikethewayWillieMaysworebaseballcapsthatweretoobigforhim。

Andwhenhe’drunthey’dfalloff,andpeoplethoughthewasrunningfasterthanheactuallywas。

Troy’sblusteringlonglocks,waveringinthewindlikeapirateflag,makehimlookmuchfasterasherunsonhisstrainedhamstringtowardapossible?

tackle。



“RashardMendenhallhasanopportunitytobecomeasuperstartoday。

BecauseBenRoethlisbergerwillneedtothrowaround500touchdownstowintheMVPtonight。



“IfIwasCoachTomlin,I’dletSteelers’cheap-shotartistsJamesHarrisonandJamesFarrioroffthechaintonight。

AlthoughtheNFLhasbeenfiningplayersforviolenthitstotheheadofhelplessreceivers,that’showtheybothplaymosteffectively。

YoucanalwaystakethefinemoneyoutoftheirSuperBowlChampionshipshares。



“Theysaytheplaydoesn’tstartuntilBenRoethlisbergerishit,butactuallytheplaydoesn’tstartuntilhe’shitandnotwrappedupbyadefender。

IfthesecondarystayswiththeirreceiversandPackerswraphimup,itcouldbealongdayforBig?

Ben。



“DidOzzyOsbornejustbitetheheadoffofJustinBieberinthatcommercial,orisitjustmyconcussiontalking?



HALFTIME

“TheyshouldjusthavePrincedotheHalf-timeShowevery?

year。



“Eazy-E’slastinglegacywon’tbehisoutstandingworkwithN。

W。

A。

Orevenhisiconicjerrycurl。

ItwillbedestroyingtheEarthwiththebullshitsoundoftheseso-calledBlackEyedPeasbyallowingthemtobesignedtohisRuthlessRecordslabelin1992。

Idohopetheyplay‘MyHumps’though。

AndFergieiskindof?

hot。



“ThemostdifficultthingforalltheplayersintheSuperBowltoadapttoisthelonghalftimebreakinthe?

game。



“IwonderwhatJets’CoachRexRyanisdoingrightnow。

Maybehe’splayedwiththetintonhisTVtomakethePackers’jerseyslookgreenliketheJets。

Whereverheis,heisprobablyguaranteeingaJets’SuperBowlvictoryin2012tohisdog。

Andmasturbating。



SECOND?

HALF

“ExpectthePackerstotrytotieabowonthisbabybyrunningouttheclockinthesecondhalf。

JamesStarkshasreallyemergedattherighttimeforthis。

Andperhaps,iftheSteelersgetinclose,‘TheFreezer’canpunchtheballintotheEndzonelike‘TheFridge’didforChicagoagainstNewEngland[Say“AwYeah”andhead-buttwhoever’snextto?

you]。



“PeoplesaythatDefensewinsChampionships,butreally,let’sbehonest:Championshipsrevolvearoundwhocanruntheballmosteffectively。

And[insertnameofwhoever’swinningatthemoment]hasjustbeenmoreeffectiveso?

far。



“IhopethoseoldmenfromtheVisaCommercialswhohavegonetoeverySuperBowlallfallasleepduringthisgame。

Andthecamerascatchthemdroolingontotheirpress?

passes。



“ClayMatthewsiscarryingachiponhislittlegoldenblondeshouldertoday。

Youhavetoknowthathecanbeagame-changerwhenthegameisonthe?

line。



“It’sclearthattheReplaySystemneedstobefixedintheNFL。

Itshouldn’tbeuptoHeadCoachestodecideifplaysareworthasecondlookdownonthefieldbythereferee。

Andlosingatimeoutistoostiffapenaltyonsomeoftheseplaysthataretooclosetooverturn。

TheNFLneedstohaveanextravideoreplayjudgeortwoinaboothabovethefieldwhocaninstantlymakecalls。

AndwithalltheTVtimeoutstheplayersarealreadysubjectedto,itwouldn’tbehardtogiveteams4or5challengesagameinsteadof2。

Iftheycanfigureoutwhethera150mphtennisballhitthebacklineornotinlessthan5seconds,theycanusegoallinetechnologiestofigureoutwhetherafootballbroketheplaneoftheendzoneinlessthan10minutes。



“I’dbeworriedaboutgoingtoanOvertime。

Withthenewrulestheyinstitutedafterlastyear’sSuperBowl,youhavetothinkOffensiveCoordinatorswouldrathertakeabigchanceforatrickplayinthe4thQuarterthangetintoaweirdFieldGoalKickinggameofChickeninanOvertimeperiod。

TheSuperBowlhasnevergonetoanovertime。

NoonewantstomakeamistakeinanextraperiodwithaBillionpeoplewatching。



“I’msuretheSuperBowlwillbeplayedinLondoninthenexttenyears。

TakingtheNFLtrulyglobalcouldbeCommissionerGodell’slastinglegacy。

AsopposedtobeingtreatedlikeabitchbyCoachBillBelichick。



“DidyouknowthatJohnMaddenhatesflyingsomuchhehadtoquitcallingfootballgames?

Infact,he’sbeenstuckinSanDiegofortwoyears,waitingforalift?

home。



“ThePackers’dominanceshouldcomeasnosurprise。

They’vebeenplaguedbyinjuriesallyearandhavesomehowstayedinthehuntthroughitall。

CuttingBrettFavrelooseislookinglikeasuper-smartmoveright?

now。



“IthinktheyshouldhaveOffensiveandDefensiveMVPsnamedattheendofeachgame。

Becausetoooftenwe’rewowedbytheflashyoffensiveplayerwhenoneoftheguysinthetrenchesistheonewhotrulymadethebiggestdifferenceintheSuperBowl。



POST-GAME

“IusuallyDVR‘Glee。

’SoIcanmasturbatetoitwhileeveryoneelseisasleep。

Ilove27year-oldsplayingteenagers,thatdefinitelysendstherightmessagetoeverykidthathatestheirbodyinAmerica!



“Thanksforhavingme!

Itwasagreattime。

I’msorryIwon’trememberittomorrow,butyouknow,thisconcussion…”

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